Six Years...

Six long years.

Today marks the anniversary of when I started at the company I'm at. I've managed to move up to the highest position, right under the boss. Manage the office and supervise the employees.

I should be thrilled. Six years is a big achievement in this non-committal world we live in. Jobs, marriage, children, church - these things seemed to be put on the back burner.

But, this is how I'm feeling right now.

If you're looking for a good post, don't read any further. It goes downhill from here.

Cry is what I'd rather do. I am overworked and underpaid. That is a no brainer. I sit at a desk 40 hours a week and my creative mind is about to go nuts.

About 4 years ago, I was ready to make a change. I prayed about it and felt the "go ahead". But, fear got ahold of me and I decided to just hang on for a little while longer... six years later I regret not trusting my decision and God's "ok".

So, now I'm waiting on God again, to help me make a big decision. A big scary one.

This is not a great post but I needed to vent.



Remembering 9-11

America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our
freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves. -Abraham Lincoln

It's not easy to forget this day. I was eighteen and freshly out of high school and into my new world as an adult. I felt like I had everything ahead of me. The options were endless!

Then, on the morning of 9-11, sleeping peacefully, the world came crashing down. I was awaken up by my cousin calling, completely out of sorts over the tragedy of the first plane crashing. Who would have thought it could get worse...

My panic stricken mind couldn't comprehend what had happened. Twin Towers? Destroyed? I felt like there was no protection anywhere and the world was coming to an end. I grew up learning and listening to end-time prophecy and was sure this was it. Our lives were changed forever.

My mom got us all together and we headed for the church. When we got there, everyone just sat around and talked and waited for news. I was so fearful and questioned my Pastor about everything I could think of. We watched the news, waiting to hear something good... but it was all bad news.

Fast forward eight years... life isn't as bad as we thought it would be that horrible day. We've all pretty much adjusted to the changes, drastic changes that we don't even notice now. We give more honor to our soldiers fighting for our freedom. We've learned how we truly are the land of the brave and America is the home of the free. Or so we think...

This makes me think of the bondage that really holds America. Our world is turning upside down and freedom can only truly come from One.

I woke up this morning thanking God that I know Him. He knows me. And I am indeed Free. Free from bondage of sin, Free from fear, Free from any enemy that can stand against me.

God is my Freedom. He is your Freedom.

God bless America and the men and women fighting for this great country and the men and women who stand firm and put their lives in God's hands.

You Are Not Alone

Searching and looking for answers, comfort and peace has been my main goal these past few days. God's peace will overflow on me at certain times throughout the day. He takes away all the fear and anxiety and helps me to remember that everything is okay.

Last night my dad taught about courage. Do you need courage? I sure do. The enemy of courage is fear. Did you know that we can suffer real and imagined fear? I think I have the biggest imagination on the face of this earth, you might be thinking the same thing about yourself. Fear torments and cripples you.

A lot of times we have fear of the unknown. I am fearful of the unknown. It's hard to remember that the unknown to us is not unknown to God. If you've placed your life in His hands it shouldn't matter.

At this time in this trial, I feel so alone at times. I want to lean on someone that I can see and feel, physically. I have to continually remind myself that I am not alone, God is there. When it comes down to it, in this life, it's really just me and Him. No one else can save me, He is the only one.

I am encouraged and get strength by those in my life, my Pastor's wife is a gem and she's helped me to make some sense of things. My sisters and mother have been those that I lean on when I can. Don't be afraid to let someone else help bear your burden! Talking about it will not make it worse, it will make it better! My Pastor's wife reminded me that there is strength in numbers!

My sister sent me this incredible passage that has now come to life to me. This incredible, loving, God I serve is so wonderful.

Psalm 103
He is kind
He forgives our sins
He heals us
He protects us
He provides for us strength for each day
He brings justice
He shows us how great He is
He is merciful
His love never fails
He is not always angry
He doesn't punish us as we deserve
His love is greater than the distance between heaven and earth
He removes our sins far from us, as far as the East to the West
He is kind as a parent
He knows how fragile we are
He keeps his promises
He rules over His creation

Be strong and of a good courage! Remember, you are not alone!

He's Given me a Sound Mind

I don't usually get too personal on here, feelings and such, but sometimes I need an outlet that doesn't communicate back to me. Understand?

Have you ever felt like there are a thousand fearful thoughts in your head asking for your attention at the same time. Seems at times that I am going crazy and I want to thrown in the towel, but I keep telling myself, God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of love and a sound mind. His Word doesn't lie. It's all in how we choose to accept it.

Right now, my worlds rocking, but I am praying that He'll get me through this in one piece. After all, He shields me with His wings (Psalm 57:1) and He won't lead me astray.

In Psalm 55 David cries to God and wishes for wings like a dove so he can fly away and be at rest... Yet, he says that if he flew away he'd wander off and remain in the wilderness. This is marked with Selah, in other words, think about it. I want to be tucked safely under HIS wings and not wander off and remain in a wilderness!

As you can tell, I am in no mood to blog right now. I need to clear my mind and even if I wanted to, I am absorbed in this right now.

I will be back to share the good side if life soon. Everyone else, Keep the Faith! He's never failed anyone, EVER! (secretly talking to myself!) =)

Southern California is Burning

I wanted to write a quick post for all my blog buddies. This fire is bad. Very, very bad. An hour after the Corona fire started, our skies turned brown and the smoke was overtaking our city on it's way to the ocean.

The winds have been blowing ash and smoke all over. Our home smells like fire and eyes are burning, heads are pounding. This fire has gone from bad to worse.

I am about 10 miles from the fire now and it's creeping closer. The sun is a burning orange color, I took some photos but don't have the connection to upload here.

Pray for the SoCal residents that are in the middle of these fires and those in Los Angeles and all the firefighters.

This brings to mind the scriptures in Acts 2 where we're warned about the coming of the Lord. The sun will be dark, the moon will turn to blood, and vapours of smoke on the earth. Whether or not this has anything to do with those days, He's coming soon!

We need these winds to stop!

God's bigger than Brain Tumors!

What would we do without God? Where would we be? I feel sick just thinking about those that don't know Him. Not knowing Him, feeling Him is something that I never want to experience. How do people turn their back on this God who is faithful and loving? I can't imagine life without Him. In the good and the bad, He proves Himself faithful and true!

I have no doubts in God's ability to heal. I have no doubts in God's ability to provide. He's never failed me and I know He never will.

Right now, I am leaning on Him for strength and comfort. I am trusting, and sometimes begging, for His healing power. To be open, I sometimes find myself asking God why? Why my mom, she's been faithful in serving You and those around her. The only thing that keeps coming to mind is, why not her?

Yesterday my mom and I went to see a renown brain surgeon who used to be head of neurology at UCLA. He's performed thousands of surgeries on pituitary tumors. People from all over come to California to have him perform their surgeries. I was confident that he may have an answer for us, something different and not so grim.

We waited in the John Wayne Cancer Institute, funny thing that it was called John Wayne since everyone close to me knows that I have this quirky thing with John Wayne, "John Wayne says..." "John Wayne is...". The nurse came and showed us to a room and we waited... and waited... I took some pictures of myself in the big metal light, trying to make the time go by a little quicker.

A doctor that works with the surgeon came in, he looked like Henry Mitchell from Dennis the Mennis. Nerdy and young. His first remark once introductions were made was, "This tumor is very bad and nasty." Oy. He told us that it was risky to remove but there was no other way. Other pituitary tumors could be treated with medicine, but this one could only be treated with surgery. The shots that she takes three times a day were only holding the tumor at bay. Keeping it from growing and feeding itself. The only way to treat this would be to have fifteen sessions of radiation, then surgery that would remove 80 - 90% of the tumor and then radiation again. I was not thrilled when he left to get the surgeon. I felt scared, angry and helpless, on the verge of tears, but I had to hold it together for my mom who was just bummed. She grinned and joked with the doctor the whole time and giggled when he checked her nerves for any damage. You would think I was the one with the tumor and not her.

Once the surgeon came in he brought a photocopy of her MRI, I had yet to see the tumor. He pointed out things that we already knew, size of a golf ball with fingers going into her blood vessels and arteries, wrapped around her main artery and attached to her pituitary. What a mess.

My mom will be making a decision in the next few days. I catch myself thinking the worse and then remember that what the doctors and surgeons say is NOT final.

I feel strongly that God will heal her. I believe He's setting it up and He's just asking us to trust Him. Or I might say, asking me to trust Him! lol. I can never take for granted the peace of God. I am blown away when He shows up and there's a genuine smile on my face and the faces of my family. We trust Him. Completely and with our whole hearts!

I believe with everything in me that He will work a miracle in our midst. The Lord is my light and salvation. Whom (or what) shall I fear?

The Morning of September 11, 2001

I can vividly remember the morning that the planes hit on September 11, 2001. I was eighteen, fresh out of high school and enjoying the fact that I could sleep in, for a short time at least.

The phone rang before everyone was out the door to work, the unbelievable had happened. I remember overwhelming fear and helplessness. I didn't want anyone in my family to leave the house. I thought that things were going to go downhill from that point on.

My mom took us to the church to be with other church family that were shaken up. Business evacuated and closed for the day as we all watched the mystery unfold. That evening we stood with our neighbors and lit candles for those lost.

Life really had changed, but we revolved with it. Do you remember what was different before the morning of September 11th?

Today wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, children, friends and collegues remember their loved ones and those that they spent day after day with. Forever gone from them.

Jelly Legs, Fighter Jets, and Babies

Have you ever been so afraid that your legs turn to jelly? Wobbly, no strength legs? Just skin and jelly bones. Never has that happened to me... until last night.

My sister, SIL and I were watching a movie, relaxing after work before our WW meeting, when we heard a rumbling. We looked at each other not moving. The rumbling got louder and louder and we jumped up and started screaming. I heard my sister screaming something about a plane crashing and I took off. We were yelling but couldn't hear each other. My first thought was, this is it, and then blank... no other thought but to hide. I can't hide because the plane is bigger then this house. I immediately started looking for someone to hold on to when the rumbling started subsiding to the point where I could hear my SIL screaming from the front yard that there was a jet.



Now let me tell you, we've had fighter jets go over a couple times a year since the path to and from bases are above our home, but never has this happened.

Once outside, I could see the jet in the distance. I felt my legs starting to give out and my chest getting tight as I fell on our porch bench. Dramatic? I would say so if I had not just heard and felt the rumbling. My body was shaking from the nerves and the fear that I had just experienced. I managed to get my jelly legs to work to check on my dad and my mom who had been out walking. Neighbors came out of their homes and stood on the front lawns looking up. I called my brother who was on the freeway 5 or so miles away and he said that the jet had just flown over. I called my younger brother and as I was on the phone with him, another one was coming. I knew what it was but still my heart began racing and my hands shaking. I ran out to the front yard to see it go over. My poor brother didn't know what was happening, all he could hear was, "Their coming back!", "Oh, Jesus!", "I'm scared", "Look at those missiles!!" lol.

I was jittery the whole night and what made it worse is the sirens going off during and right after, we think that people might have had a little too much of a scare like us.

Too much excitement for me! I would never survive in a war zone or on base!

::

My Bloggy Buddy, Katybug, at Watercolor Wisdom or Lack Thereof had a Baby Girl yesterday!

Another long week...

Let me start by saying, you ARE at The Daily B. I've changed my background so many times that I've learned to accept the fact that I am a compulsive background changer. The black was depressing and that's is the last thing I needed to look at when I signed on.

For some reason, I can't seem to catch up on sleep, maybe it's due to watching the Olympics and not being able to pull myself away when the swimming is on late at night. Or it could be that I am just exhausted from life. eh, either or.

My mom started back on her shots for her tumor this morning and it just unnerves me. She is getting ready to make a decision since the shots have pretty much done all they can do which was not very much. She is supposed to see a specialist at Cedar Sinai, one of the top hospitals in the nation and home to all the overindulged celebrities. My conscious just told me to be nice. lol.

This specialist is the head of Neurosurgery and supposed to world renown. I told my sister-in-law that maybe, just maybe God was conditioning the surgeon for such a time as this. My mom is pretty special to me and that much more to God, so I can see Him doing something like this.

I will be glad when this hurdle is behind us and we can look back and say, "Mom remember when you had a tumor the size of a golf ball and God took care of everything...". Now to just tackle this little fear whispering in my ear...

::

We started Community Groups at our church and our area comes to our home. Very cool way to meet the community and to invite others that are a little hesitant about stepping into a church building. We are holding off on buying another building at this time, God's taking us into another place and of course, we follow. We are going to reach the OC one way or another, this is the right place to start, getting to know the people and showing them a side of God that maybe they never knew existed.

::

My sister did her screen test on Saturday, those of you that follow her blog will know what I'm referring to. I was asked to come along to do her makeup and hair... lol. Funny thing is I don't know anything about makeup and neither does she. So there we were in the makeup aisle at Walgreen's, looking for things that we'd seen on What Not To Wear. I told her to keep her voice down after she said, "NO! That's eyeliner!". We looked like makeup idiots. I think I did a pretty good job of giving her a camera face.

::

This weekend/week has been long so far, I'm looking forward to the weekend...

On The Mend

Things have been so crazy this past week. It seems like I'm always on the go, picking up where my mom left off before she went into the hospital is not easy. Working a full day then coming home and making sure the house is in order, shopping and making sure she stays down!

I have to give her credit though, she's been cooperating with doctors orders. I wasn't sure how difficult it would be to keep her from trying to do what she normally does and keep her away from household chores and life in general. She showed us that she is able to slow down and take care of herself. Thank God!

The surgeon gave her the okay today to go to Vegas for the weekend for my cousin's wedding. She is very happy and looking forward to getting out of the house.

As for me, I feel so much better this week than I did last week. I had moments where I didn't think I could make it, dramatic, yes. I fretted and worried and just wore myself out. So much so that I lost 4.5 pounds! Maybe I should worry more. Hmm.

I put together a little slide show of things that were interesting in the hospital... Okay, so it's not too thrilling to watch but I wanted to document it for years to come. Kinda like an electronic scrapbook going on here.

Shaken Up

We had an earthquake this morning that nearly threw me off the bed! I was staying home from work in the morning to care for my mom, we had just settled on her bed and she was getting ready to doze off when it hit. Normally the quakes are rolling. It feels like you're on a boat in the middle of a rocky sea; this one was jerking and lasted for a good 15-20 seconds . Talk about joggeling your brain, is joggeling a word? Anyway, I am very scared of quakes. Hurricanes and Tornadoes can pretty much be prepared for, earthquakes sneak up on you and are done before you can make a plan. The last big one we had was in 1987! Oy.

I was no help, thank God my brother was with us at the time and he was able to get my mom out of bed and under a doorway.

I just called out "Jesus" and prayed that this wasn't the "Big One". During and after a quake everyone in the whole county gets on the phone. Literally. The lines go dead from the quake and the usage. The phone rings off the hook with everyone calling, "Are you okay?". Yes, we made it. lol.

If I can just kick the jittered feeling I'll be able to get some work done. Did I mention that I hate earthquakes?

-Daily B-

A Curveball

Life threw us a curve ball this past Friday. I've lived at the hospital since Friday and was home for the first time last night.

As most of my blog readers know, my mom has a pituitary tumor that is very rare and there is one known treatment besides surgery. She's been taking shots three times a day for almost a year. Last week she stopped taking the shots because they found gallstones in her gall bladder. Before this tumor my mom was the healthiest person I knew. No meds, ever. No aches and pains, no nothing. Even with the tumor she had no symptoms. The meds she was on were too much for any body to handle and effected her liver which in turn effected her gallbladder.

On Thursday she went in for her weekly blood test to check her liver and it showed that things were coming back to normal. Friday morning she begin to have pain. Now, if you know my mom, she never complains about pain. Ever. She won't tell a soul. That is what almost happened here until my brother mentioned to my other brother that she had a stomach ache. The pain increased to the point that she decided to call her doctor, they told her to get to the emergency.

My sister and I met her and my dad at the emergency and we waited and waited for 2 hours while my mom was out of it in severe pain. She said that the pain was so bad at one point that she nearly passed out. My mom's #4 pain is like my #15 pain. She can stand anything.

To make a long long story short, she was admitted and put on serious antibiotics. Her gallbladder and pancreas were inflamed because a gallstone was being passed. We found out later that the gallstone was stuck in a duct and the surgeon had to squeeze it out because it was too large to pass. That explained the severe pain she was in.

She had surgery yesterday, her gallbladder removed and a biopsy of her liver. She came out of it perfectly. She was even able to go the bathroom last night and "eat" soup and drink for the first time since Friday morning.

She is really good this morning and the surgeon said that he's pretty sure she can come home today! Yay!

All in all, I am drained emotionally and just exhausted. Saturday was a very hard day, I don't think I've been more scared than I was.

Sigh. I am so glad this weekend is over. Once I get more sleep and things settle down I will post some pictures of her "hotel like" hospital room.

Keep her in your prayers these next couple of days! =)

-Daily B-

Whom Shall I Fear?

My Irrational View:
Trusting isn't always easy... Leaving things in His hands is impossible sometimes. I can't do it...

My Rational View:
Believing in His Word is the only thing that will pull you through. Fear halts the purpose of God. Faith puts fear in a box.

Psalms 27
1
The LORD is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the strength of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?

2
When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes,
came upon me to eat up my flesh,
they stumbled and fell.

3
Though a host should encamp against me,
my heart shall not fear:
though war should rise against me,
in this will I be confident.

4
One thing have I desired of the LORD,
that will I seek after;
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to behold the beauty of the LORD,
and to inquire in his temple.

5
For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion:
in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me;
he shall set me up upon a rock.

6
And now shall mine head be lifted up
above mine enemies round about me:
therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy;
I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the LORD.

7
Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice:
have mercy also upon me, and answer me.

8
When thou saidst, Seek ye my face;
my heart said unto thee,
Thy face, LORD, will I seek.

9
Hide not thy face far from me;
put not thy servant away in anger:
thou hast been my help;
leave me not, neither forsake me,
O God of my salvation.

10
When my father and my mother forsake me,
then the LORD will take me up.

11
Teach me thy way, O LORD,
and lead me in a plain path,
because of mine enemies.

12
Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies:
for false witnesses are risen up against me,
and such as breathe out cruelty.

13
I had fainted, unless I had believed
to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

14
Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart:
wait, I say, on the LORD.

-Daily B-